POV: you’re so nice, you’re actually unkind
What if you’re such a nice person, that you’re actually unkind?
What if you’re so nice that people don’t even know you? And if they’re under the impression that they do, is that a kindness?
If being “nice” is easier than being real, people only know the performance you put on for them.
Even if that means you repeatedly lie to their face, the path of least resistance means you can’t possibly confront, disagree or challenge the status quo. Because that’s just the nice and polite thing to do, right?
Let me be clear— there is nothing wrong with being a nice person. Nice people are great. They're the foundation of our [dys]functioning society.
But sometimes we use niceties to justify being an asshole, or to convince ourselves that we AREN’T an asshole.
Here’s the thing: nice people often proclaim to be kind people, which blurs a very important distinction.
The more nice you are, the more difficult it is to be kind.
What’s the difference?
Being nice is easy as long as you know all of the rules and cues. If you just follow the polite script that we all use, you’re set! Sure, it might be impossible to be authentic and genuine when you’re performing as a nice person, but at least you’ll save yourself the energy of truly showing up.
Kindness, on the other hand, requires effort and actual care. And maybe even some discomfort now and then. Kindness shows that we are invested, and that is in and of itself a vulnerability.
Telling someone what they want to hear is nice, but giving them the truths they deserve to know is kind.
Asking someone how they’re doing is nice, but holding space for their thoughts and feelings is kind.
Being agreeable not to stir the pot is nice, while addressing an issue directly so it can be resolved is kind.
Being nice gets you off the hook; kindness keeps you there until the fish is caught.
And maybe you want to be more transparent and open with people, but you’ve been telling yourself the story that it’s not possible because they wouldn’t be able to handle it.
But could it be possible that YOU don’t feel safe when you’re disappointing others or causing their discomfort?
We often don’t want to admit to ourselves that the source of our lying and pleasing is actually our own unwillingness to feel or acknowledge things we have been avoiding.
So consider this: every time you convince yourself that it’s not safe to be your full, honest, authentic self, you are effectively rejecting yourself before anyone else can.
Which is also not a kindness.
You can handle unpleasant emotions, and you deserve to live freely and honestly.
Ultimately, it’s not up to us to decide how others should perceive us, anyway.
When you try to “save” people from the truth by being nice to them instead, you essentially violate their autonomy.
People can only make informed decisions for themselves when they are fully informed about those decisions. Misleading them with masks and performances for the sake of being liked, included, or respected is a form of manipulation.
Even when you don’t want to hurt someone with painful truths, you don’t get to decide for them that your lie would be any less harmful.
A fake friend is no friend, which means authenticity and compassionate honesty are always a kindness. For yourself and everyone else.
