POV: you’ve been hurt but not harmed

Could there be a difference between hurt and harm?

Google says these words are synonyms, and maybe they are. But I think there could be a helpful distinction between the two.

First, let’s agree on what it means to be “harmed.”

When someone intentionally violates our boundaries, or wishes to offend us by calling us names and attacking our character, we are being harmed. When someone uses physical force on our bodies in order to punish, control, or humiliate us, we are being harmed. If someone uses our sensitive or private information to manipulate, sabotage, or blackmail us, we are definitely being harmed.

Regardless of the means used, harm creates power dynamics and wounds—both physical and emotional. Harm almost always comes from a place of knowing and intention, but can also be the byproduct of someone else’s self-harm.

Sometimes harm happens as a result of someone’s worst moment. Sometimes harm becomes an abusive pattern. But the presence of any harm is unacceptable and requires boundaries or remediation.

And yet,

there are other ways we can get hurt in relationships without any harm being done.

Take for instance when someone honestly (and respectfully) shares how they perceive us, and it’s not something our ego wants to hear. It may hurt us to be viewed in such a light, but it does not harm us to hear about it. Instead, it actually gives us the chance to expand our awareness of ourselves and the ways we come off to others.

Or consider the disappointment we may feel when someone cancels plans on us, sets a boundary, or unknowingly makes a comment that offends us.

Again, these experiences might be hurtful, but they do not harm us. They are simply a natural byproduct of human relationship.

The reality is that we all have insecurities and wounds hidden deep within us. And if the people around us aren’t aware of these tender spots, they might bump into trauma or unmet expectations they didn’t know were there.

It is normal and common for someone to hurt our feelings without meaning to. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything wrong has been done.

The pain isn’t any less valid, however, and may still need to be addressed and mended. Being able to share our pain and communicate new boundaries with the person who hurt us can help create closer connection. Trust and safety are cultivated when we can expose our vulnerabilities.

If we want people to love us differently, we must be able to tell them how.

This is also a chance to understand ourselves better.

When people trigger our deepest shadows, bringing the subconscious into our awareness, we can finally address our trauma. If unresolved issues are never brought to the surface, we aren’t aware enough to process them.

We may not always know why we are so hurt or bothered, but the fact that we are reveals healing that needs to be done.

Depending on the current capacity of our nervous system, being triggered may not necessarily be a bad thing. It gives us opportunities to hold space for ourselves, breathe through it, and respond differently.

Regardless of whether you’ve been hurt or harmed,

appropriate care is needed. And being able to discern between the two will help you know what kind of care that will be.